Tuesday, April 05, 2005

A Bovine Perennial

Kind of a slow news day. I just got a variation of the classic "You have two cows" joke via e-mail. It's a little different than previous versions I've seen. So, as just a little prize for visiting "Cartago Delenda Est" today, I give you:


You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you.


You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?


You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.


You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.


You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.


You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.


You have two cows You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.


You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.


You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around,you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.


You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.


You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One makes milk; the other doesn't. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows." Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children." Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico. The Los Angeles Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The New York Times analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

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