More Legislation In The Pipeline

We're moving into a golden age, people! An invigorated Congress will soon be considering the following reforms:

• No private business may discriminate in the provision of goods or services based on a customer's ability to pay.
• Marriage being a fundamental civil right, the federal government will now assign spouses to everyone. In the interests of tolerance and fairness, the sex of your spouse will be chosen at random. All current marriages are hereby dissolved, pending reassignment. Congress, union members, and Nebraskans are exempt.
• Free pudding cups on Wednesdays. To promote fairness, puddings will be assigned at random. Congress, unions, Nebraskans, undocumented workers, and lesbians will receive either chocolate pudding, or chocolate pudding with whipped cream. Taxpayers will receive either rice pudding, or rice pudding mixed with an equal volume of tepid water. This way, no one will be guaranteed a particular kind of pudding and everybody gets a mid-week surprise. Chocolate puddings will be delivered by courier, rice puddings by third class mail. Citizens will be required to maintain a garden hose in good working order accessible to postal personnel in order to facilitate the proper mixing of their puddings. The government will not be responsible for overspray or leakage affecting mail delivery. Nor can the government guarantee that garden hoses will be properly turned off. Stiff fines will be assessed for overusage of water.