Saturday, August 13, 2005

Worship Rules-Of-The-Road

By and large, we Catholics do not have to worry about such things, but Doug TenNapel has some etiquette tips for proper Spirit-filled Pentecostal worship. Let's be safe out there.


During worship, to make things look spooky, church culture says you must:
1. Slightly tilt head.
2. Gently close eyes...lift head a bit.
3. The hand goes up and the arm follows the hand.
4. Keep hand open, fingers lightly held together.
5. Tilt at wrist so that hand matches angle of head.
6. Now comes the body...the body is sewn to the arm which is sewn to the supernaturally lifted hand.
7. Once standing, gently drift side to side as if in a spirit-induced trance.

8. NEVER STAND FIRST. If you make this move and you're the only one, you will either look like the holiest one in the church or you'll look like a poser. Skip to step 11 for the bail out.

9. Start with just lifting the arm. If others follow with the arm, then it's a good sign to know that if you stand up so will others. If someone beats you to standing up then they have just stolen your limelight...they are the enemy and next time, beat them to the punch.

10. If the song is really hooky and rockin' you can probably ride the congregational emotion when the verse goes to chorus and just jump up. Others will usually jump up too and if they the spiritual man! If they don't follow, then...

11. You're screwed, you stood up first and now you need to find some way to sit back down. Grab your pocket like your nursery beeper is vibrating, or slowly reverse the steps that got you here as if the spirit sat you back down then caused you to drop your arm.
11a. You could double-down and cry while standing to show that you're standing because you're REALLY upset. Now everyone looking at you hating you is going to feel bad. You give them a hearty, "Screw you Philistine! I'm REALLY upset and that's why I'm carrying this burden alone!"

12. If you become one of those authorities in the church who can usually get others to stand when you stand then you might want to 'mind-jack' everyone and sit back down when the whole crowd is up. This tells them that something is wrong, and there is just as much spiritual clout to gain by correcting the gifts as there is in practicing them in the first place.

[more follows]

Another good TenNapel post here.

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