Monday, August 22, 2005

Jewish Hollywood Republican Bears All

Excellent essay (and yes, the pun in my title is intentional).


For a considerable period of time, I kept my level of Jewish observance a secret. I did not wear my yarmulke to Hollywood meetings. I understood, on the deepest level, that wearing your religion on your sleeve would be professional suicide. I understood that though Hollywood professed to be “open and tolerant,” when it came to religion — any religion, except for something harmless and fashionable like new-age Buddhism — Hollywood was as open as, well, the KKK.


I’m a Republican. A heretofore secret Hollywood Republican. I know men and women who are heavy drug addicts and they have no problem finding employment in Hollywood. I know men and women who are gambling addicts and they work pretty regularly. There’s even a director who was arrested for child molestation and yet was hired by Disney — yes, Disney — to helm a picture, and people defended this decision by saying even child molesters have a right to work. I would bet my bottom dollar that all these people are on the correct side of the political spectrum. They are liberal democrats.

Me, I’m a Republican. A conservative Republican. I believe passionately in free market capitalism. I believe in the Second Amendment, i.e., the right to bear arms (I even own several guns and go to the shooting range with friends from shul several times a month). I despise communism and fascism, and I believe there is a special place in hell for Islamic totalitarians and their Western apologists — probably 99.9 percent of Hollywood people.


By the way, if ever you should get into a contract negotiation with any of these kind and gentle Democrats, you’ll be lucky to walk away with your undershirt. Talk about brutal. You have not experienced pain until your lawyer calls to inform you that your regular deal has been somewhat modified — meaning you’re about to get murdered financially by some star who just minutes ago was on TV cradling some starving African child.


Script #2. I have been hired to write a bio-pic about a very famous Republican talk-show host. A man who has revolutionized the radio format. I decide that I’m going to be up front with the studio executives.

“I’m not going to assassinate this man,” I explain. “If that’s what you want, get another writer.”

“No, no, we want you to do it because you have such a good feel for character. Just be honest.”

I’m a moron. I believe them.

I go off and write the script. I hand it in and walk into a firestorm of a meeting. I’ve been too gentle with the talk-show host, they say.

“How?” I ask.

“Well, look at what he’s done to this country,” an executive challenges.

“What, he has 25 million daily listeners who adore him. What’s he ever done except almost self-destruct on pain killers — which I portray in all its awful detail.”

“But he’s a hypocrite!”

“In what way?”

“Well, he talks about family values and look how many times he’s been divorced!”

Have they read the script? The script goes into why the man cannot make a true love match. He’s a sad man. He’s a lonely man.

I ask a really stupid question: “Have any of you ever listened to him?”

They gaze at me as if I’m last week’s trash.

Just as I suspected. Not one of them has ever listened to his show. They all agree he’s not worth listening to.


The sad truth is that behind the dashing and courageous Hollywood characters up on the screen sit a bunch of cowards. A group of craven men and women who have little love for this country and who have no idea that Islamic terrorists are working hard to bring down the foundations of civilization.

These Hollywood liberals spend their lives negotiating. They believe that when the time comes they will sit down with Osama bin Laden and cut a deal. Imagine how surprised they’ll be when the cold blade hits their necks. Imagine their shock when they realize there is no negotiating with barbarians; that Osama makes no distinctions between Democrats and Republicans, between observant Jew and Buddhist chanting Jew. I hope it never comes to that, but imagine such a story line.

Actually, it would make a pretty good movie. I should try and pitch it.

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