Rob Long does a humor column in the paper edition of National Review which is quite amusing. Just this once, I'm posting the latest:
Election Night Channel Surfing
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On Hardball with Chris Matthews on MSNBC:
CHRIS MATTHEWS: "Let me ask you something, you pollster guys have the country so wired up and measured and figured out that did any of you really guess the size of this victory?"
POLLSTER: "Well, Chris, if you look at the trends here, as we did in the weeks leading up to tonight, we saw that in several key states, there was what we call a strong demographic differentiation narrowing."
CHRIS MATTHEWS: "Not following you."
PUNDIT: "Chris, if I could, take Ohio, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania. These are really not three states, but more like seventeen separate states that overlap in some key areas. The 'Oh Va' region, the 'Ohiop' area, and then the neo-rust belt of 'WeViPeo.' These places were trending early and then reversed, leading to the numbers we're now seeing coming out of that region."
POLLSTER: "These are early trending differentiating numbers, Chris. It's important to say that."
PUNDIT: "Yes, but in every presidential election apart from the most recent twelve that involved a non-primary-challenged incumbent against a sitting senator, this kind of result has been usual. So in a way, we shouldn't be surprised."
POLLSTER: "Right. And also, more people voted for Bush."
PUNDIT: "Exactly. That can't really be over-emphasized."
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On Casting for Brown Trout on the Outdoor Life Network:
GUIDE: "Just pop a fly right there where that seam is showing."
ANGLER: "Perfect."
[Twelve minutes elapse]
GUIDE: "Nice."
ANGLER: "Yeah."
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On Larry King Live on CNN:
LARRY KING: "So you bruise the limes first, is that it?"
JENNA BUSH: "That's right, Larry. That way the juicy part of the whatever it's called — "
BARBARA BUSH: "The greeny stuff?"
LARRY KING: "The peel? The peel of the lime?"
JENNA BUSH: "Uh . . . no! Not the peel! That you kind of slice really thin and — "
BARBARA BUSH: "Whatever. What. Ever. Let's blend these suckers!"
JENNA BUSH: "Wait. Wait. We haven't put in the schnapps."
BARBARA BUSH: "I put in the schnapps."
JENNA BUSH: "When?"
BARBARA BUSH: "When that guy called asking for a picture of our feet."
JENNA BUSH: "Oh. Okay. Then you put in the tequila."
LARRY KING: "Didn't we put in the tequila?"
BARBARA BUSH: "Well, yeah. But there's still some in the bottle."
LARRY KING: "These look good. What do you call them?"
JENNA BUSH: "Um . . . some people call them 'eye openers.'"
BARBARA BUSH: "We just call 'em goooood!"
[Blender noise]
LARRY KING: "How do you young ladies feel about the way election night is going?"
JENNA BUSH: "What?"
LARRY KING: "How do you ladies feel about the way the election night is going?"
BARBARA BUSH: "Can't hear you, Larry!"
[Blender noise stops]
LARRY KING: "How do you ladies feel about the way election night is going?"
BARBARA BUSH: "Um . . . good? I haven't really been watching."
JENNA BUSH: "Try one of these, Larry. They're awesome!"
LARRY KING: "Just a small one."
BARBARA BUSH: "Wanna do a belly-button shot?"
LARRY KING: "Tomorrow night! The whole hour with Senator-elect Alan Keyes!"
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On Tighter Abs with the Abdominator Plus™ on MSNBC:
BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN UNITARD: "And then you just slowly lift up, and up, and up, and up, and see? It's easy! And fun! You can watch TV, read a magazine, whatever!
HANDSOME MAN IN UNITARD: "The Abdominator Plus is a complete workout! And it's easy to pack away for business trips!"
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On Special Report with Brit Hume on Fox News:
BRIT HUME: "No word from the Kerry camp at this hour. Mara Liasson, your thoughts?"
MARA LIASSON: "Well, I'm not surprised. It's been a very difficult six weeks for them, and I'm not even sure, actually, that there's still an organization and a structure there to organize a press conference. Really, ever since the strange bicycle incident when Senator Kerry seemed to — "
BRIT HUME: "Mara, I don't mean to interrupt but we have breaking news. With polls closed in California now, Fox News has collected the results of exit polling there and is projecting that California's 54 electoral votes go to Ralph Nader. Bill, your thoughts?"
BILL KRISTOL: "Well, not many surprises there, Brit. Nader's been ahead ever since Kerry's weird behavior in the second debate — "
BRIT HUME: "You're referring to the t-shirt and baseball cap?"
BILL KRISTOL: "Right. I think he was hurt by that."
BRIT HUME: "We have a clip of that. Can we run it?"
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On Casting for Brown Trout on the Outdoor Life Network:
GUIDE: "I see some bubbles over that way. Cast a few right under that spot there."
ANGLER: "Will do."
[Seven minutes elapse]
GUIDE: "See that riffle?"
ANGLER: "I see it."
GUIDE: "Toss one over that way and let it drift a bit."
ANGLER: "Will do."
[Thirteen minutes elapse]
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