Sunday, July 10, 2005

A Checklist For Those Who Want To Be Da Man

A friend of mine runs a blog called Rub-A-Dub. He's made a list of important safety tips. It's pretty good. Here's a sampler:

#1 Always open doors for women.

#2 Saying "tall", "grande", or "vente" when ordering coffee makes you 1/16 less of a man

#8 Wearing capri pants in any situation that does not involve riding a Vespa scooter along the mediteranean coast with a woman you just met riding behind you makes you 1/3 less of a man.

#9 Wearing capri pants in the above described situation makes you 1/8 less of a man.

#10 If the tailor asks "above or below?" the correct answer is "above"

#11 If the drink is a martini and the bartender asks "up or over?" walk out.

#15 When dealing with angry people stay calm and do not show fear.

#17 A dull knife is an accident waiting to happen.

#18 You should not own a dog that needs to wear a sweater.

#19 "You da man" went out when the dot-com bubble burst.

#20 Pie is okay for breakfast.

#21 Do not complain about the food at Denny's. You should have known better.

#22 Neither George Washington nor Abraham Lincoln went to college. Unless you've done greater things than they, don't tell people what degrees you have.

#26 Do not befriend men in suits who wear pinkie rings.

#27 When you are in a meeting in Vegas with clients of your firm and an old Italian man wearing a pinkie ring refers to your boss as "Little Joey" it is time to consider looking for a new job.

#28 When police say "anything you say can be used against you in a court of law" they are telling the truth.

#29 When ever you are in court, for any reason whatsoever, the only person you should trust is your own lawyer.

#33 Ordering a caramel machiato diminishes your manhood by no less than 10%

#34 Tuck in your shirt and buton your cuffs.

#35 Do not ridicule anyone's religion unless it happens to be Scientology or Astrology.

#36 Be helpful to foreigners.

#37 If you are a Christian you must turn the other cheek when someone strikes you, but it is wrong to invoke the cheek-turning rule when you see the innocent (other than yourself) being attacked.

#39 Only windsor knots.

#43 Call police officers "sir" even if they are only 1/2 your age.

#44 Do not say "scrumptious"

#46 It is not girly to send thank you cards.

#47 It is girly to send thank you cards with butterflies or flowers printed on them.

#48 Riding a motorcycle makes you 15% more interesting.

#49 Do not inflate adjectives. If someting is merely pleasant, do not say it is amazingly fabulous.

#50 Going to see a movie is the worst possible first date.

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